The semantics of honking

Paul posted a funny thing about car horns the other day:

The purpose of a car horn is, in theory, to alert other drivers of potential calamity. However, this is rarely the method in which the horn is employed. Let's take a quick look at some of the common uses of the car horn:

• To signal displeasure at the pace of traffic
• To indicate to a friend or acquaintance that you are able to see them on the sidewalk
• In certain cases, to alert a slender male that you perceive him to be a homosexual
• To inform a female that she is physically attractive
• To critique the driving habits of your fellow motorists
• To cause a muffler shop or mechanic to open their door so that you can drive in
• To reprimand a cyclist for attempting to share the roadway
• To celebrate the holy vows of marriage
• To celebrate the prowess of local athletes in competitive sport
• To indicate, in a general sense, that you are young, full of p & v and mildly intoxicated

This dovetails nicely with my own theory that the feeling indicated by a honking episode (h) is a function of the average length of the honk(s) (l) and the number of honks (n). As a formula that would be:

h = f(l * n)

I've deduced a few patterns over the years:

• A small n (like one) and very large l indicate immediate danger.
• A large n and large l show feelings of annoyance and outright hostility (increasing with the values of n and l).
• A large n and small l generally indicate positive feelings (as Paul notes, related to marriage, sports victories, etc.).

And then there's the double honk, two quick blasts (n = 2, l = 0.1 seconds) that manage to let people know you're there (and waiting for them to do something) without seeming irritated. This theory--hell, most of my theories--is only half cooked. But go test it yourself and report back.